Leave Me Breastless

Today marks a decade since my first mastectomy. 10 years since breast cancer changed my life. A real milestone for me, it’s hard to believe it has been this long. So much, both bad and good, has happened in this time. It’s remarkable how much you can change in 10 years both physically and emotionally. The more of life you experience, the more wisdom and perspective you develop and as you evolve, what held significance in the past now carries diminished weight and you begin to recognise what truly matters in life.

I think back on my breast cancer journey and now see it from a different perspective. In those initial days and years, it had a huge impact on me. So much so that I began writing this blog, not only to help women find fashion solutions post mastectomy but also as a therapy for myself to process what exactly I had been through and perhaps assure others that they were not alone in what they were experiencing. The more I wrote, the better I felt, both internally and through what support I could offer others. It brought me great joy to help others. But then as the therapy worked for me, there came a time that I was sick of the breast cancer tag I had inadvertently created for myself, and I wanted to move on from focussing on breast cancer in my life.

I gradually wrote less, which felt like a natural transition for me. After all, there’s only so much you can say without repeating yourself. It felt good to detach and let go, but another part of me felt guilty for putting it to the side and moving on with my life. I may have been healing personally, but what about those women who found comfort in my words and were relying on them. I came to realise that the words I had written would always be relevant to women experiencing breast cancer and they could always reach out to me regardless. After all, I needed to do what was right for me. So, I have enjoyed years of less blogging, focussing on my career in education which I love, but it also pleases me to see that women continue to find my blog and I am continually supporting people as it becomes relevant to them.

More recently as I am getting older, I have started battling with a different set of dressing challenges, which somehow makes it more and more necessary that I write again. Not only am I still living with the struggle of finding appropriate clothing for a breastless chest, but I also now have the added bonus of battling the changes that come with an ageing female body.  Areas I used to find easy to dress are now becoming more problematic. I find myself in a new struggle.

I had just gotten used to knowing what was right for my flat chest with the body shape I had for years. Despite the same exercise and eating habits, now middle aged me is finding a new grapple and I won’t lie, it’s messing with my head. I feel like I am constantly contradicting myself on so many levels. On one level I am saying to people to love their bodies, just as they are. Then in the next breath, I am beating myself up for the way I’m changing and how I look and am genuinely really struggling to like myself in anything I wear.

Further mental battles have then begun where I doubt my decision making and wonder if all those years ago, should I have remained flat? I think to myself that maybe had I reconstructed, my battles with personal image and clothing wouldn’t exist and I question –‘Have I made my life harder for myself?’. But then I feel conflicted because deep down, I am happy with staying flat. I think that maybe I’m just feeling so frustrated that society hasn’t come with me. By saying that, I don’t mean I think all women should stay flat and not reconstruct. Not at all. Each person has to do what’s right for them. What I mean is that, while society has supported women who reconstruct wholeheartedly, they have simultaneously left the flat behind. Shouldn’t both sides be equally supported? Society still says that women should reconstruct because women are physically beautiful only with breasts. This is where my conundrum lies.

A decade has passed for me without breasts and I guess I thought that there would be far more fashion options created specifically for us in that time, but the reality is, not much has changed. My passion to start a fashion line for flat women will always remain but in the meantime while I’m living my normal family life, I will continue to do what I can to find the right clothes through mainstream avenues. I know the reality of it all. I see people look at my chest and think I don’t notice. I know a lot of the time I don’t look quite right and it’s hard for a curious eye not to glance in that direction, much as they would at a big set. I understand it and I’m totally ok with it. It’s unusual that someone would not conform to the norm at such a young age and not reconstruct, but I’m genuinely proud of my story and my decision.

I won’t lie though. It pangs my chest a little when I stop and think about what my boobs used to feel like; when I showered, when I was with my husband, when I dressed, when I exercised and when I breastfed. Like that fear of losing the picture of someone close to you in your head after they are gone, so too did I have this feeling about my breasts. And oh, my does it hurt. I sometimes find myself obsessing over looking at a picture of myself with boobs trying to imagine what that would feel like again or admiring someone wearing something so lovely and filling out the chest section so perfectly. See I’m ok with living without them, but I also don’t want to forget them. I don’t want to forget how it felt to feed my kids or to feel womanly in a bikini or a dress. I don’t want to forget how they felt when I was first pregnant or when they sank in the opposite direction when I was done feeding. I want them to be vivid and I know that over time, the memory of them will fade. I know they would have changed anyway but it’s still a part of me that has gone and I want to still remember when they were part of me. Silly really, but true.

So here I am 10 years post breast cancer and I think happier than I’ve ever been both personally and professionally. Life seems to have settled in many ways for me and there’s a sense of calm that all is how it should be in my life. My husband loves me just the way I am, has never questioned my decision to stay flat and I love and respect him even more for that. Our boys are growing into beautiful humans and my family time is what I cherish most in life. Yes, physically I am ageing and don’t look nearly as good as I used to (man I wish I was as skinny as I was when I thought I was fat hahah).

My ability to dress for the breastless chest continues to evolve as my body changes with time and age. I only hope that in years to come for all those women yet to experience breast cancer and it’s challenges, that more brands cater for women who remain flat post mastectomy. Without a doubt, providing women with the right clothing to help them feel beautiful after a mastectomy would be profoundly empowering.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a true Leave Me Breastless blog without a few fashion tips from things I have worn of late. My favourite dresses at the moment are of course from one of my favourite brands, Mister Zimi. Great styles you can wear without fakies are the Lottie, Nina, Lottie mini and one of the most flattering on the chest I feel, Agnes for a dressier occasion. Their Daisy tops are also great as is the Charlie playsuit for summer.

I also found a V neck that wasn’t too deep that I could wear without it dipping too deeply and that was a Forever New.

My Witchery broderie off the shoulder top also worked perfectly with both fabric and cut detracting from the chest.

Spell’s Mossy High Neck dress is also perfect for the flat, but is a little short. Sorry I don’t have a picture of me wearing it, just a selfie in the mirror.

My favourite jacket which I have been just wearing with jeans and distracts from the chest is Marcs Lani Jacket, which I have in 3 colours and you would never know I was flat!

Man, I have missed writing this blog and hope that I can help and inspire women all over the world to love themselves just the way they are.

I am breastless and beautiful.

Have a wonderful week,

Love, Gen x