For no apparent reason, I haven’t felt that great this week. There’s nothing I can directly pinpoint as the reason, I’ve just felt loaded with insecurities. I’d walk into my wardrobe to get dressed in the morning and feel lost. Ridiculously (as my wardrobe is not short of clothes) I felt like I couldn’t find anything to wear (and had plenty of options right in front of me).
I guess I mainly felt frustrated that I had to think about what to wear because of my chest. As summer has begun, it is obviously much hotter and so for me the prosthesis then becomes much more undesirable. I have to think while doing a million other things in the morning, “Do I want to put the prosthesis in today or not? Is it going to be too hot? Am I going to feel uncomfortable all day? And will I be breaking my 2 week cycle if I wear something again?” I wish all items in my wardrobe required the same preparation for my chest, but they don’t. And sometimes I just can’t be bothered having to fuss over it all to be honest. In moments like those, I honestly wish I was in my old body again, only having to decide what to wear from a taste point of view.
What I have found particularly more noticeable post cancer, is that your emotions fluctuate enormously, more than they ever did before. I’m not saying that I classify myself in the ‘post cancer’ stage as I consider myself well beyond that period of time, but I guess with having your breasts removed, you live with a permanent daily reminder of what you have been through, whether it’s crossing your mind or not. You are ALWAYS having to dress for it and that can be exhausting when sometimes, you just can’t be bothered. One friend of mine actually said that the reason she reconstructed her breasts was to not have to wake up and have that reminder every day. She felt that once she reconstructed, she felt somewhat whole again and didn’t wake up thinking about the fact that she’d had breast cancer. For me, because I feel physically comfortable without breasts, I don’t think that my low days are often enough for me to feel like I need to consider reconstruction. But it’s interesting to look at things from others’ points of view in that regard and I can totally understand where she is coming from.
I used to feel really concerned with the low days and was worried I had to do something to try and fix my feelings. I don’t tend to worry so much anymore because I know that the good days totally outweigh the bad days and more often than not, I’m feeling good about what I’m wearing. A good friend of mine reassured me by saying, “Sometimes you’ve gotta have the low times so you know how great the good times are”.
So despite the fact that I am flat, I am not going to let it make me feel flat. I have decided that I just need to make a plan for those days when I feel terrible about getting dressed. I need to wear those items that are easy to wear, easy to prep and still make me feel great. I need to reflect on pictures of outfits I have worn which make me look and feel great. While I can cut myself some slack for feeling like this from time to time, I need to remind myself that ‘Whatever you feed will grow’ and if I focus on the positivity, it will end up being the way I think nearly all the time. Like anything, it will then have a wonderful flow on effect into all aspects of your life.
A very special little person in my life reminded me that just recently when she made me this poster…
and it’s so true. I have smashed cancer and I’m so relieved, and grateful and she is right, life is better when you’ve beaten something.
So in the spirit of positivity, I’m going to share with you some outfits that I have felt great in and have laughed in and also some outfits that if I had an endless supply of cash, I would buy right now for the breastless chest.
Sheike, Scotch & Soda, Myer
Have a wonderful week.
I am breastless and beautiful.